Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Looking back. Looking forward. Day by day by day.

I haven't written here for a while. That's OK. It's felt an OK thing to do. I do write every day on the No Fap forums, usually posting twice, often much more. I set writing something here, or posting a recovery resource, as one of my daily disciplines that must be done with NO EXCUSES. 

It just hasn't worked out like that, but it's not a problem, I've taken it off the list. My daily disciplines that must be done with NO EXCUSES are now, meditating, exercising and leaving the house at least once and at least once for more than a walk to the shop. I am sticking to those, I need to record my progress with those somewhere. 

To be honest there isn't that much to report. I still stumble on in my recovery. I have good days and bad days but still feel as if I'm moving in a generally positive direction. 

Giving up porn is proving a bigger challenge that I thought it would be. It's a battle that I'm still in and one that I will win. I've written so much about it in my journal on the Over-40s thread at No Fap that I won't go into it here. 

Emotions have been washing up in the past few days. Big crying spells and periods of high energy and laughter. It's all part of the process I suppose. 

I found myself this morning thinking in some depth about my one serious suicide attempt. It's a long time ago now. For the first time I really thought about it with fear. Good fear - "you could have killed yourself, you idiot!". 

I also took a look back at my honest assessment post after someone at No Fap said they'd looked at it. I was in a pretty bad place when I wrote that and I'm in a better one now. Nothing there is untrue, but it's certainly a worst-case-scenario look at my life. If I wrote something along those lines it would be much happier, much healthier, and probably much closer to the truth. 

I have a couple of self-help books on the way. The Slight Edge the by Jeff Olson, which has a very big following at No Fap; and Changing for Good by James O Prochaska, which I also first saw referenced there. I'm looking forward to seeing what I can make of them. 

In the past week or so I've been slightly more social, and as I move along in sobriety and away from pornography and cannabis I'm finding small positive changes all the time. My anxiety is slightly decreasing, my confidence is slightly improving, I'm getting slightly more pleasure out of the things I've always enjoyed (particularly music). 

If you spent it, thank you for your time.