This is very encouraging. Obviously it's not great to relapse, but I've had a much better day today.
I've decided at last to take a slight change of tack. As yet, it's still a change in a way of thinking rather than much action, but it is a change.
All along I've been told that I need to spend time on designing the sort of life I'd like to have in recovery, that to build something new is both more effective and more enduring than to destroy something old.
So that's what I'm doing.
At the moment it stands at a list on my notepad scrawled in black marker.
What life do you want?
Flow (a reference to the idea of flow states in the brain, being in the zone, that I picked up from a Google Talk video on YouTube).
As blueprints for a life it's not much to go on is it? It's a start though. And one of my good friends at No Fap often opines, "don't overthink it" on forum posts. I'll take his advice for now.
I've also spent the day being more active. I've done more work. I left the house to take my Antabuse (another day of commitment to sobriety). I meditated (and will do again after this post is published) using Headspace. I did a mini version of my workout and feel great as a result.
Small steps taken back onto the right path then. There is still much work to be done. That list is a start but I have more things to add to it. There are things I need to do in order to be in the place to start making those steps - however, that must not become an excuse, they are things that should be done and as soon as possible and however unpropitious the circumstances appear. No more delaying and waiting for the perfect moment.
I note with regret that I'm smoking again. I'll stop again soon.
If you spent it, thank you for your time. I wish you strength in your own battles.