Thursday, 30 April 2015

Base levels. Recovery is a process.

I'm here slightly out of a sense of duty. Partly. It's good though, it means I'm meeting my new base-level tasks for the day. But don't expect anything particularly useful or enlightening here today.

They're not amazing goals, but they're a good start. They are: 

1 - Meditate
2 - Leave the house at least twice. One of which must be for something more substantial than just going to the shop
3 - Talk to someone 
4 - Exercise every evening
5 - Post something here 

So here I am. Today has been a pretty good day. I went to the office. That immediately hits two of my targets for the day, and I enjoy it and feel more worthwhile, more part of the real world when I'm working properly. 

I still suffered with my anxiety. Sorry to say this out loud, but three trips to the toilet is the standard and that didn't improve today. However, out in the world things were a little easier. I took my headphones and listened to an audio book while I walked and maybe that helped. I'm also having a little bit more success with mindfulness techniques. 

I've read up and listened to lots on urge surfing (I posted a couple of things under the Recovery Resources tab on this), but it's now starting to work. Something seems to have clicked in there. I do now feel more able to separate myself from my thoughts and to observe them. I think this is most likely to be a fruit of my meditation, which has continued on in sporadic fits and starts of late. 

Slowly, slowly, slowly, I start to feel like I'm making progress. I'm in the process. Taking small positive actions whenever I can has been useful, it's starting to build a little momentum. When I say small, I mean small. Anything at all will do, anything other than just sitting there, which almost always leads to some sort of negative, and given enough time will lead to relapsing on porn. 

I'm tired now. It's been a long day. And I want to read. That's another positive, I've really got stuck into a couple of books lately. 

If you spent it, thank you for your time.