Saturday was my favourite drinking day of the week. For the short while I managed to use Antabuse to enforce weekday abstinence it was my escape from that. Even when I was drinking daily it was my big social day.
I used to love my Saturday afternoons in the pub. Almost always with the Doge. Lately often with Dalton. Then there were the OGs. OGD, OGA, OGB, Vest and Irk. Crosswords, them watching the racing, catching the football results as they came in... happy days.
So Saturdays tend to be the day I suffer most from cravings. It's hard to describe cravings other than saying I WANT A DRINK. That's not true at the moment. At the moment I WANT A CIGARETTE. I'm in the midst of another giving up attempt, helped with an e-cig.
It's not an actual physical sensation for me. And I think the longer I go, the truer this will get. I want the happy Saturday afternoon feeling. A warm, safe (if there are key words in my life they are warm and safe) place, nice people, something to do and to talk about.
Have I replaced that yet? I'm not sure I have. Perhaps I never will. I sense I will need to work on it. At the moment I feel warm and safe. Mag and I enjoy spending time together. I'm still rather lacking in social contact. I had my exercise class today so I got some chit chat, which is nice. I got my endorphin boost too. I went out into the sunshine and the cold on the way.
And I thought about drinking a lot. I thought about drinking as a reward for spending most of the day working. I thought about it as a reward for going to my exercise class and raising a sweat. I thought about it as the thing that I do at just gone lunch time. I thought about as I looked at the paper I would have rather been reading in the pub.
That's all fine. Routines are changing. Tomorrow I'll have a proper look at where I think I am and what I need to do next. What challenges will make my life better. I have plenty of things in mind, but I'm wary of trying too much at once. My success in adopting a couple of new behaviours was, I think, largely because I gave them time and focus.
At the moment, I am mostly thinking I WANT A CIGARETTE though.
That should be easier tomorrow. Then easier the day after. And so on and so on and so on.
If you spent it thank you for your time. Please leave a comment after the tone.