I'm all over the shop today. The headline may possibly have alerted you to that. I don't know why I'm repeating myself.
It's quite a positive shop I'm all over. There's just too much going on in my head and I can't make sense of it all. I need to make a list or something. I write very quickly and naturally and have rather avoided planning and the like as being TOO MUCH FUCKING EFFORT.
However, if I'm going to change I need to accept the challenge.
That's one way I could go with this post. I've accepted that this is going to be hard work. As the clichés all remind us, it wouldn't be worth having if it were easy to come by (though that doesn't stop me buying a lottery ticket every week).
I could easily do a post on the rescuing of yesterday. I jumped out of my routine, you see, and hauled the exercise ball out of the cupboard, and got the new weights I was given for Christmas in my hands and damn well pumped small amounts of iron. Grrrrr! It felt great.
Then I've been thinking about how I'm more ready to accept the idea of incremental change in this process. I tend to be rather all or nothing, a victim of the black-and-white thinking they talk about in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I'm sure lots of addicts are the same.
In recovery, my top-of-the-world or down-in-the-sewer dichotomy tends to manifest itself in making too ambitious plans and then hating myself for not living up to them. For some reason this seems to have crystallised very strongly around the time of day I do things. I've got a big thing about doing improving things first thing in the morning. "I'll be up at 6, meditating before my jog," I tell myself. Then I fail to do that - I'm terrible at getting up - and the day starts with self-recrimination.
I think some of this is to do with shame about my work situation. I do work, but I don't feel I work enough. It certainly doesn't amount to the equivalent of full-time hours and I feel bad about it. I feel the need to be sitting at this computer during work hours, even if I'm doing absolutely nothing useful at all (and quite often I'm doing things that are bad for my mental health). A sort of freelancer's version of presenteeism, and bloody stupid.
So while I haven't got up at 6 again this morning I'm not that bothered about it, because I was up at around 8am reading, and did my first 10-minute meditation session before 9. I had a shower, and breakfast, and checked when the gym will open today, and then I went for a walk.
These are all fabulous achievements for me. Really quite big stuff. To have left the house and done something useful before 11am is a very good and very big step in the right direction.
Oh, and I threw away my tobacco last night. I haven't had a cigarette since about 8pm yesterday. Over the last year or so there have been several "throwing the tobacco away" incidents. I feel quite positive about it now, though craving a cigarette terribly right at this very moment.
I was thinking last night about the extent to which my smoking is a habit of time and place as much as anything else. I love my routines and ciggies fit in beautifully with them, most often in an “I’ll just have a fag before…” delaying function.
I have to say I'll feel amazing if I manage this. There's no reason why I shouldn't, the only person who can stop me is me, and I don't want to.
If you spent it thank you for your time. If you'd like to talk leave a comment or drop me an email.